Stress seems to be a big topic these days! I watched a Dr. Oz episode where one of his guests (a doctor) said that 75-90% of doctor visits have some stress-related component & that stress is a major complication of health for all of us.

So, of course I did a Google search and discovered that there are over 6 million global searches a month for the word, “stress.”

I read about good stress, bad stress, chronic stress, work stress, relationship stress, physical stress, stress management, emotional stress, stress relief, acute stress, hyperstress, hypostress, eustress, distress, teenage stress, and even entrepreneur stress. Whew! I’m getting stressed out just writing about stress.

Lots of people & organizations give advice about how to get stress relief; some good & some not so good. The advice I read were mostly temporary fixes; they simply don’t get at the source of what’s driving people’s stress symptoms.  It’s no wonder people are confused, frustrated, give up trying, or resort to drugs.

Here’s an example: Many people suggested that healthy eating is a good solution for reducing stress. Healthy eating is something that is important to me because it supports what I want for my life. Although please understand that very, very occasionally a Krispy Kreme doughnut puts me in a zen-like trance of sheer bliss … and I don’t want to feel bad about it.

Stress relief begins with knowing who you really are

In my personal life and coaching practice, I’ve found that when you get to the real truth of your stress, you can transform it into opportunities for growth & healing … you’ll actually create sustainable stress relief. One of the best ways I know of to get to the truth is to know who you really are, not what other people think of you or how you think you “should be.”

Chinese proverb: Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

Stress relief lies in the expansion of your imagination

Who do you imagine yourself to be … a stressed out, overwhelmed, ugly, stupid, unloved, fat, underappreciated, angry, resentful person? Or do you imagine yourself to be a happy, brilliant, loved, appreciated, valuable, generous person leading your work & life like an entrepreneur leads his/her business?

Your imagination is likely what’s creating or alleviating the stress in your life. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Try using your imagination to get back to the real you, not the stressed out version of you.

A stress relief tool that helps create sustainable strategies

As a coach, it’s important for me to have a wide variety of tools to use with clients. One of my favorite tools is the IAM Essence Map, created by Karen Tax (my first coach, great friend & business partner), as she searched for stress relief in her life. Karen started using the map with her clients & discovered people were getting excellent results.

I have used the IAM Essence Map in my work (and personally) & have found it to be extremely helpful for creating sustainable stress relief. Just like the Chinese proverb above suggests, I use the IAM Essence Map to help my clients shift out of drama (not you) into the essence of who they really are.

For example, I recently used the IAM Essence Map with one of my clients (Sara-not her real name) when she wanted some help with how she handled a situation at work. During a meeting Sara became very angry because she was the only one prepared. After the meeting, she received some negative feedback about the way she handled herself.

So, I introduced the IAM Essence Map to her & we discussed how she could use it as a guide before & throughout her meeting as a kind of compass to ground her in her essential best. What Sara discovered is that when Drama happens (and it usually does), she can use the IAM Essence Map to help her remember who she is at her best & engage others from that space … not Drama.

Sustainable stress relief results from making peace with drama

When you make peace with the drama in your life (not ignoring it or pretending it isn’t there), and relax into your essential best, the results you’ll experience are unlimited: high-performing teams, self-confidence, greater self-awareness, clear communication, healthy relationships, healthy bodies, and so much more.

If you’re interested in learning more about the IAM Essence Map, join as a Free Member in the IAM Learning Community where I am a co-founder with Karen. You can download a copy (and a bunch of other goodies) from our Resources area.

What ideas, suggestions, questions do you have about making peace with stress & finding stress relief that’s sustainable – not just a temporary fix?

Mentor + helpful career advice = Exponential Growth

One of the best ways to become a better version of yourself is to find a mentor. In my career, I’ve been fortunate to be guided by some great people I consider to be mentors. Whether it’s a new career or one you’ve been in awhile, having a mentor will teach you things you may not have ever been exposed to. It’s kind of like, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

Mentor: A wise and trusted counselor; typical role is to advance the person’s career

I’ve been privileged to be guided by some excellent mentors, so I thought I would share with you some of the tips I learned from them. Whew! This is a tall order. I don’t want to leave anyone out, so if you’ve been a mentor to me and I didn’t include you in this list, feel free to remind me of your brilliance.

Mentor tip #1: You have to learn to give feedback if you want career growth. This one came from my former boss, Tim. During one of our feedback sessions, Tim said, “You don’t just avoid feedback; you run from it.” True – I could take feedback all day long, but giving it was another story. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, so I just wouldn’t say anything … of course that kept everyone stuck.

Tim so does not let anything stay under the table, so he started mentoring me on how to provide feedback in a way that felt right to me (kind, caring, respectful … and honest). Tim invited me (haha- made me) to go to a meeting with him and give my feedback ~ during a conflict between 2 team members.

Providing that feedback was one of the toughest things I’ve done in my career, but I did it, and I did a good job. Through Tim’s mentoring, I developed the confidence I needed to have difficult conversations throughout my career, especially when I starting managing people.

Mentor tip #2: Working hard does not a guarantee a successful career path. I can’t remember the guy’s name who said this, but he served as a valuable mentor to me early in my career. My parents told me that the way to success was to get a good education, get a good job & work hard. Done!

Only, here I was working my buns off, frustrated because I wasn’t getting ahead, and someone changed the rules of the game!

This guy wasn’t saying I should slack off; his point was that working hard is only one factor that helps create success. I’m glad I learned that lesson early in my career. It saved me a lot of frustration & directed me towards seeking additional or even alternative ways of creating success.

Mentor tip #3: If you’re in a room with 10 people, you need to talk 10% of the time. In the early 90’s, this advice came to me from my colleague & mentor, Debbie, and it was news to me. Growing up my friends & family loved to hear me talk; I could keep them entertained for hours. Imagine my surprise when Debbie tells me I talk too much.

I’m an extrovert, so that means I’m a verbal processor. Unfortunately verbal processors with limited filters may offend, confuse, frustrate, and drown out others.

So I embarked on a path of being more observant, thinking before speaking, and enhancing my listening skills. Debbie’s advice has served me well on my career path (leading, recruiting, business development, customer service, and in my current role as a coach, consultant, trainer, facilitator … and mentor).

Mentor tip #4: No one is better than you, and you are no better than anyone else. This advice came from my wonderful mentor, Mom! The last part of her advice was easy; the first part is what I struggled with from time to time in my career. Intellectually, I agreed with my Mom – we are all equal. Unfortunately, at times I forgot her mentoring and put people on a pedestal with me far below them.

Here’s what putting people on a pedestal has looked like for me: pleasing too much, over-explaining, giving away my power, seeing myself as a victim, not trusting my instincts, or not speaking up. Mom’s advice is deceptively simple.

Think about how ingrained we are in our society to put celebrities, CEOs, parents, teachers, politicians, doctors and the like on a pedestal. When we see everyone as our peer, we become powerful leaders of ourselves and lives.

Mentor tip #5: Ask for what you want. This advice came from my business partner & trusted friend, Karen Tax. When I was a child my Mom frequently told me my middle name was “I want,” but when I got older, at times I thought I couldn’t get what I want, or I thought asking for what I wanted was selfish, so I compromised.

I began working through what Karen’s mentoring means in my career and life, and something I’ve found very useful is to ask for what I want … along with context & an invitation. This means that when I ask for what I want, I provide some context, background, data that explains (not over explains) what I want. Then after my request, I invite the other person’s perspective & we work together to get what we both want. This strategy has worked brilliantly in creating collaborative & meaningful relationships.

Mentor tip #6: Keep your network active and authentic. This advice came from 2 former colleagues & mentors, Hurt & Jim. When we started working together, our cubicles were side by side, and I noticed something very significant – they both had a large network _and_ their relationships were genuine.

So, I started observing them & asking questions about their philosophies & approaches because networking seemed like a skill I needed to develop. Both of them were very gracious in mentoring me so that I could develop into an effective networker. Now, people tell me all the time what a great networker I am.

There’s always more to learn, but from their mentoring, I really connected with the essence of networking which I see as a blend of giving and receiving. Here’s a quick synopsis of what I learned from these great mentors about networking: a) use a system to ensure no one falls through the cracks – be consistent & disciplined, b) network with people you genuinely like & care about, c) connecting with people is easy – a short email or phone call is typically sufficient, d) people appreciate connecting, and e) asking people for help who barely know you feels like spam – don’t do it.

Mentor tip #7: No one will respect your time more than you. This advice is from my favorite mentor & person in the whole world, my husband – Jeff. At times in my career, I’ve been out of balance. I allow work to consume me … too much on my plate, canceling my plans when I don’t want to, not delegating effectively, or being a perfectionist. In essence, Jeff is talking about boundaries.

How do you manage being committed to a project, client, or team while at the same time take care of yourself? Each situation comes with its own complexities, so I won’t make a trivial suggestion.

I know there are times when you need to invest the time and energy in something important. What puts me in the “danger zone” is when I start feeling frustrated and don’t speak up.

Recently a friend of mine received a text during the weekend from his manager informing him of an impromptu conference call. He was at his child’s event and wanted to be with his family. So he simply texted his manager back what was going on & when he could get on the call (no drama). His manager was fine with it. That’s respecting your time AND finding a win-win for everyone.

♥A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself. ~Oprah ♥

My mentors have challenged me, inspired me, motivated me, helped me set better career goals, become a better leader, build stronger relationships, and easily navigate tricky situations. Mentors are everywhere if we simply look for them.

Have you had a great mentor? Share your mentoring tips or questions below. I’d be honored to hear from you!

I have had a word for the year for the past two years, and I love how it helps me to focus on what I really want to be doing and who I want to be. I have also used it as a kind of gut check to make sure I’m staying on track.

It’s been a great adventure this year with my word beside me. I’ll share a few of my random awakenings with you below. And, at the end of this blog, I’ll tell you my word for 2011! Read on…

» Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my 13 nieces and nephews. Since I don’t have children, I strive to be an aunt who’s interested in & spends time with them. One day my 11-year old niece and I were chatting over email, and I sent her a picture of her with my dog. Her response was, “Oh, I am sooooo adorable.” Children are so brilliant. Why do we disconnect from our inner child when we get older and believe the lies that we are stupid, ugly, or bad? It’s ridiculous! That conversation with my niece reminded me to tap into my “adorableness” as often as possible.

» Creating a partnership with someone can be tricky. I’ve heard horror stories where people start a business together and wind up enemies or, at worst, in a legal battle. I’m really proud of Karen and me for making our relationship a priority as business partners in the IAM Learning Community. When conflict arises (and it will), we don’t get into much drama at all. We talk it through & get on the same page very quickly. Having a healthy partnership allows us to focus on our clients and become better at what we do.

» I did a great job this year of creating quiet mornings as I have really grown to appreciate the time to be still and reflect. I used to think I had to be moving at warp speed, juggling a lot priorities, and using the television or radio to drown out the quiet. By creating my quiet time, I’m much more present, focused, and proactive … and I’m a lot more productive.

» I want everyone to go to work every day doing what they love, being really good at it, and getting paid what they want. It breaks my heart to see people go to work stressed out, burned out, disengaged, even angry or hurt. I am so inspired by people who have the courage to get help and get on with creating a life they love.

» It’s official! At the end of 2010, I became enamored with technology. Karen is likely laughing because most of the year technology has not been my friend. Most of my new thinking has come from getting the right technology and the right technology partners. We finally have a system that’s robust, user friendly, and easy for us to manage & use. Ah … finally!

» One of the greatest blessings in my work and life is working with amazing, brilliant clients. I’m consistently blown away by their dreams, courage, and wisdom. They teach me so much. I am truly, truly enamored with them!

Did you have a word this year … or words, a guiding principle, a mantra? If so, I’d love to hear about it. I hope you’ll consider claiming a word for yourself in 2011 and use it purposefully to guide your work and life. I’d be delighted to stay in touch about our words!

Drum roll: My word for 2011 is “unleashed!” The word didn’t come to me in a dream or while I was sitting on a cloud, it came from a conversation I was having with Karen. As soon as she said it, I said, “I think that’s my word.” So, there it is … unleashed … sweet!

Happy 2010! Last year was a year of laying the foundation for our movement of transforming work and life so everyone can be their best. I learned a lot about myself last year and this year promises to stretch me even further. I’m super excited about that!

I have been wondering about you and your intentions for 2010, specifically how you’ll anchor in more deeply to being your best. Last year a client told me she had selected a word of the year to guide her throughout the year. She got the idea from Christine Kane (www.christinekane.com). Today I read a blog by Chris Brogan who chooses 3 words each year. Read his blog here: http://www.chrisbrogan.com/my-3-words-for-2010/#comment-27738450.

Last year my word was recriprocal, and it served me very well. When I began thinking about my word for 2010, I decided to let go of trying to figure it out and just trust God for my word. The strangest thing happened. I had a dream and the word, enamor, came to me in my sleep – someone said this is your gift – enamor. I can’t remember the details, but when I woke up, the word was firmly in my mind.

Now, mind you, I have vivid, sometimes strange dreams, and I have never had a dream where a word was given to me. And, as I get older, I find that my memory fails me when I try to remember certain words, but I easily recall this word throughout the day.  Also, not surprisingly, enamor is not part of my normal conversations. 

So, although I don’t know if I will add more words to my word of the year, I am definitely keeping enamor. I look forward to playing with my word of the year, peeling it back like an onion, to help me be my best and help others do the same.

What do you think about choosing a word or words for 2010? Take a look at Christine’s video on her blog and/or read Chris Brogan’s blog post and see if choosing a word(s) is something you might want to participate in this year. And be sure to let me know. I’m planning to write about my word at least monthly if not more often throughout the year. I’d love to support you in your word choice.

Many blessings to you and those you love in 2010! May you feel love in a big way (enamor)…

In the tv special, Rudolph wasn’t allowed to play in the reindeer games because of his bright, shiny, red nose. It seemed that everywhere he looked, he just didn’t fit in. He and Hermie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, didn’t fit in either and so they head out on their own. In one of their songs, they sing, “Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit … seems I don’t fit in.”

Boy oh boy, have I been in situations like Rudolph and Hermie. At times I felt like I was on the island of misfit toys. I knew I wasn’t a nitwit and neither were those other folks; it just wasn’t a good fit. That’s when I decided to be the leader of me and find/create a tribe that fits me. With a wonderful community of support, I charted my own course. If others want to laugh and tease me, so be it.

Seth Godin, in his book, Tribes, says what Karen & I have been saying all along – that everyone is a leader and we need you to lead – yourself first. I feel very strongly that when you determine what you want, you’ll be in a much better position to help others get what they want, and then you’ll create something extraordinary together as leaders.

Maybe you’ve been excluded from the proverbial “reindeer games,” or felt like you don’t fit in, or have encountered some monsters on your path. If you choose to, you can return back to your brilliant essence, shine brightly, and lead – with noses of all different colors, shapes and sizes. With a community cheering you on and supporting you, there’s no telling what you’ll accomplish – in your business, your organization,  your home, your school … everywhere!

A couple of weeks ago my husband, Jeff, and I were trying to coordinate our schedules to take time off to visit his parents at the beach. I was going on a business trip, and my husband wanted to go before my trip. I wanted to go after my trip because I had a lot to do before I left. Also, this trip involved another time zone and a packed schedule. Ah – the impasse!

Ordinarily I might have “compromised” because I didn’t think I could get what I wanted, and because I have been a pleaser and conflict avoider for a long time. But I decided to try not compromising in hopes that we could both get what we want or something better. Impossible you say? Read on…

No Compromising - Keep Working!

Jeff & I took some time to think about and discuss alternative solutions, and we came up with something even better than we imagined. Not compromising gave Jeff: one-on-one time with his parents at the beach, 2 short work weeks instead of 1 (he has had very little vacation time this summer), and time to rest. Not compromising gave me: time before my business trip to get organized, a few days with my niece while Jeff was at the beach, and a beach trip filled with fun and rest after I returned from my business trip. Both of us got a lot more than what we originally wanted.

So, what does compromise entail? Someone wins, someone loses, or both parties lose. It seems that many times we see compromise as the easy way out, but it’s really not. The one who gives in usually feels frustrated, hurt, even powerless. Feeling this way can cause hard feelings for a long time. I believe it is essential to keep working, keep talking, and know that we are smart enough to find a solution that works for both parties.

What causes you to give in, even when you feel strongly about something? Do you truly believe you cannot have what you want? This way of thinking is too focused on “or,” meaning either I get what I want you or you get what you want. Look for the “and,” meaning you get what you want and I get what I want … or something even better than we imagined.

MBWA essentially means managers should get out from behind their desks and talk to their employees and form networks. MBWA is a great idea for increased visibility with your employees and colleagues, but if the interaction is fraught with distrust, disrespect, and even tension, MBWA could do more harm than good. All that walking and wandering could have your company poised to fall right off a cliff if you’re not careful.

Maybe you recognize these sleepy managers (likely not bad or evil people):

• Nate’s employees are scattered all over the country, so he uses web conferencing to communicate with his staff. He frequently boasts to his boss that he talks to his team on a regular basis while the other managers don’t. What Nate doesn’t know is that his staff thinks he’s an idiot. Nate seems to be more concerned about his image and saving his job so he spends most of his time asking his staff to measure everything in the form of beautiful PowerPoint charts created just like his boss likes them. Nate believes pleasing your boss is the best way to keep your job.
• In Arthur’s weekly meetings with his leadership team, only well-scrubbed information is shared – information that describes only what is going right. Once Sharon gave a report on a challenge her department was facing only to be belittled by Arthur and later terminated. Consequently, there is very little dialogue or creative thinking that ever comes out of Arthur’s meetings.
• Amanda leads a team of new managers. She challenged her managers to be more visionary, confident, and creative but has never explained what these terms mean. Amanda gives vague and often contradictory directions to her managers. Amanda’s managers find themselves mostly confused about what she wants, so they try different approaches of which none seem to please Amanda. Amanda is ready to fire them all.
• Cody landed a job at a growing technology company. Soon some guys in her department crossed the line and began pursuing her romantically. After telling the guys she wasn’t interested, Cody asked Bradley, her manager, for help. Bradley told Cody that she should stop being flirty and the guys were just having fun. Cody became so stressed that she took a medical leave of absence. Later all 3 guys were terminated and Bradley was fired.

What would happen if these managers woke up and realized what was going on inside and around them?

• Nate would realize that competing with his peers and focusing his energy on impressing the boss is not a sustainable employment strategy. Nate would earn the respect of his staff as they observed him spending less time protecting his job and more time producing real and lasting results for the clients.
• Arthur would understand that his demeaning behavior was controlling, manipulative, and shutting down the flow of information. Arthur’s team would begin generating innovative ideas that yield record-breaking sales.
• Amanda would clearly articulate her vision and expectations. She would take time early on to develop her managers so that they could in confidently lead their teams in the direction set by Amanda. Amanda’s managers would be celebrated for their high-performing teams that produced consistent high-quality results.
• Bradley would understand the seriousness of this situation, the effect on Cody, and the potential risk to the company and his own career. Cody would be able to work in an environment where she did not feel threatened, and Bradley would be considered a skillful manager in his dealings with difficult employee issues.

Managers and leaders, there is no need to fall over the cliff while you are walking or wandering around. Open your eyes to what is happening inside of you and all around you and recognize many amazing opportunities standing right in front of you.

So I became curious. What does poise mean in the business world? Why do you need it? How do you get more poise?

First of all what is poise? Some definitions of poise: self-confident manner, composure, steadiness, stability, state of balance or equilibrium, grace, refinement, and lastly, a product used for bladder problems. I’ll stay away from the bladder issues for now.

Why do we need poise?

Based on the definitions above, I believe that having poise is essential for any leader (and most of us are leaders in some way). Who wants to follow someone who is unstable, ineffective, or incompetent? Poise isn’t just for people in the public eye, speakers, or executives. We all can use poise in every aspect of our lives as we interact with others. The poise I’m talking about is being your best. You aren’t worried about pleasing everyone or controlling anyone. When you have poise, you stop wrangling with yourself and find ease in any situation.

How do you gain more poise?

Focus on others. How can you serve, educate, validate others? I remember losing my poise one day during a talk. I became very nervous and could not collect my thoughts. The problem is I was focused on me. What did they think of me? Did I sounds competent? Upon reflection, I realized I could have regained my poise by focusing on the audience and what I might offer that would be of help or encouragement to them. When we focus on ourselves, many times we are intensely critical and perfectionistic. Most people really do want you to do well!

Focus on an object, mantra, a word or your breath. Think of something physical, emotional, or spiritual that will help you to stay focused: a rock, a card with a mantra or verse on it, an image on your desk, and so on. Make it real and personal for you – something that is inspiring, affirming, and motivating.

Listen with curiosity and interest. You may have heard the saying, “You have one mouth and two ears, so listen twice as much as you think.” This is hard for some people, but I can assure you that you will have fewer fences to mend if you monitor what you say. You are not required by anyone to give an immediate answer (except perhaps in boot camp). Seek to understand. Test your assumptions.

Put content into “buckets.” You may get into a situation where you are called on to give a quick answer and don’t have a lot of time to rehearse your response. It is important that you respond (not react). Take a breath, focus, and make a list (in your head or on paper) of 3-5 points of what you want to get across. Then speak slowly and clearly and ask questions to ensure the message has been delivered accurately.

Listen to your body. If you get into a tense situation, think about how it feels in your body. When you start to feel that tightening or sickening feeling, pay attention. Then, ask yourself what is really going on. Is there a boundary being crossed? Do you really want to be in this situation? Your body is giving you esssential information about what is important to you.

If you have other ideas for bringing more poise into leadership, I’d love to hear from you.

Happy Monday!

~Diane

Networking has worked for me in my career as I have gotten every job in my life through networking except one. I believe wholeheartedly that networking is essential for everyone, and it doesn’t have to cause you to wear extra deodorant just thinking about it.

Below are some tips to keep networking simple and easy:

• My approach to networking is simple. I network with people I like. The people I like are very diverse in all sorts of ways (physical, mental, behavioral, spiritual, social, interests, strengths, and so on). I am more interested in a real relationship than I am for what people can do for me.
  
• You have to keep your network active and that means consistently adding new people to your network. To do this, you have to be engaged on the web or in person on a weekly basis at the very least.
• Online social networking has become very popular, and I think it’s a great way to connect to people you may have never had the chance to meet. Of particular importance is to be consistent in your communications with others and to be authentic. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they write and what they write about, but you don’t get to see the whole picture (body language, tone, etc.). Help people get a flavor for you by telling the truth and being real.
  
• Networking in person can be scary for some people. Although I’m a pretty extroverted person, sometimes I even get nervous or intimidated. What I’ve learned is that when I focus on finding out interesting things about the other person, it takes a lot of the pressure off of me. I don’t particularly like to talk about myself, so I enjoy listening to others. And … I always get a chance to talk about myself and my work because most people are interested in others (although I have met a few who only want to talk about themselves – and they are not in my network).
• Remember JFK’s famous line, “Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country?” I use the same approach. I ask what I can do to help the person I’m meeting with, and more than likely I’ll come up with at least one idea of how I can help them whether it’s a lead, an article I’ve read, or just to stay in touch for encouragement/support.
• If you’re feeling a little stalled in your networking, just get out of your house or office. Go to a coffee shop, the local cafe, a park, your place of worship, the mall, the farmer’s market – get out among people and listen to what they talk about. Through listening to others, you’ll  get an idea of what kind of people you find interesting. When you listen to what kind of things people talk about and questions they ask each other, you’ll be able to come up with 2-3 questions you might ask someone.
• When I’m at a networking event (which I’m not particularly crazy about), I set a goal to walk away with adding one person to my network. That’s all – just one. If you have more than one person to add to your list, you deserve chocolate!
  
• Some people think it’s important to have political networks (meaning a lot of back scratching and having your people call my people). I don’t think those relationships are sustainable. Relationships that are sustainable are authentic and reciprocal.
  
• Networking can be done anywhere, not just work. In fact, if the majority of people in your network are from your company, you must expand your network. Time and time again people tell me they wish they invested more time in building their network outside of their company, especially when most people in their network got laid off the same time they did.
• Be interesting! I continue to run into people who have interesting backgrounds, hobbies, and careers. This makes them memorable. What makes you memorable? Maybe you don’t think you are interesting, but I’ll bet if you ask your friends, family or colleagues, they could come up with something. If they can’t, it might be time to explore something new.

Do you have a favorite tip to share? I’d love to hear from you!