U.S. Vice Admiral James Bond Stockdale

I cleaned out my office today & ran across an index card with the Stockdale Paradox on it. In case you’re not familiar with the Stockdale Paradox, Jim Collins describes it in his book, “Good to Great” as:

“Retain the faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties AND confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”

I highly recommend reading about Jim Stockdale in this wiki to learn more about his experience as a Vietnam POW & how he was able to survive when many others didn’t: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Stockdale.

Surviving a POW camp is in no way comparable to conducting a job search or developing your career, but there are important lessons we can learn from Jim Stockdale’s experience.

Got Faith?

Stockdale said he never doubted he would prevail and turn this horrific experience into a defining event in his life. He never lost faith.

I think about a time when I was in a job that felt like a prison to me. I felt victimized, like I had no choices. But that wasn’t true. I did have choices. I hired a coach and started working on a plan to not just get me out of there but to really envision a future for myself. I read somewhere that faith is passionate trust. I trusted myself to know what I really wanted, and I trusted God to show me the way.

The Brutal Facts

Stockdale says we must have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of our current reality. There are two important points here – defining reality and discipline.

What is reality? I heard someone say, “If the dream is big enough, the facts don’t count.” Well, just like Stockdale, I believe the facts DO count.

There are certain facts about you that should be a factor in your career development. This is the brutal reality of YOU – the brilliant you, and it’s important that you know what it is and can sufficiently describe it to others.

And then there’s the other side of reality such as the people who show up on American Idol who can’t carry a tune and can’t understand why they aren’t chosen. Or the person who doesn’t want to learn anything new and thinks they can coast to retirement. Or the person who knows their performance has been lagging but thinks people won’t notice. This is our blind spot, and it is essential to make that spot as small as possible.

After you have a good idea of your reality, it’s time for discipline. Discipline might conjure up some images as being grounded or a drill sergeant commanding you to take 100 pushups in the freezing rain, but consider another definition of discipline: “self-control, training for improvement, and a systematic method.”  It seems to me that discipline is at the heart of leadership, so when it comes to determining our careers, it is essential to have a system in place to help us reach our dreams (strategies, intentions, goals). I hired a coach, increased my knowledge, and put a system in place to be more accountable so that I could expand my choices.

So, CAN be anything you want?  Maybe! Use these tips to guide you in deciding what you really, really want:

• Take a look at the brutal reality of you. Who are you, and what are your strengths (skills, knowledge, abilities)? What is important to you? What would make you want to go work every day full of energy and passion?
• Have the discipline to do what it takes to get you what you want. Invest in yourself by hiring a coach, going back to school, updating your resume, networking, etc. Stop doing those things that are getting in the way of what you want.
• Have faith that you will prevail despite difficult circumstances.
• Allow yourself to be surprised. Don’t wrap up your life so tightly that you miss some amazing detours off your path.

Do you have something else to add to this discussion? If so, I’d love to hear from you!

Happy 2010! Last year was a year of laying the foundation for our movement of transforming work and life so everyone can be their best. I learned a lot about myself last year and this year promises to stretch me even further. I’m super excited about that!

I have been wondering about you and your intentions for 2010, specifically how you’ll anchor in more deeply to being your best. Last year a client told me she had selected a word of the year to guide her throughout the year. She got the idea from Christine Kane (www.christinekane.com). Today I read a blog by Chris Brogan who chooses 3 words each year. Read his blog here: http://www.chrisbrogan.com/my-3-words-for-2010/#comment-27738450.

Last year my word was recriprocal, and it served me very well. When I began thinking about my word for 2010, I decided to let go of trying to figure it out and just trust God for my word. The strangest thing happened. I had a dream and the word, enamor, came to me in my sleep – someone said this is your gift – enamor. I can’t remember the details, but when I woke up, the word was firmly in my mind.

Now, mind you, I have vivid, sometimes strange dreams, and I have never had a dream where a word was given to me. And, as I get older, I find that my memory fails me when I try to remember certain words, but I easily recall this word throughout the day.  Also, not surprisingly, enamor is not part of my normal conversations. 

So, although I don’t know if I will add more words to my word of the year, I am definitely keeping enamor. I look forward to playing with my word of the year, peeling it back like an onion, to help me be my best and help others do the same.

What do you think about choosing a word or words for 2010? Take a look at Christine’s video on her blog and/or read Chris Brogan’s blog post and see if choosing a word(s) is something you might want to participate in this year. And be sure to let me know. I’m planning to write about my word at least monthly if not more often throughout the year. I’d love to support you in your word choice.

Many blessings to you and those you love in 2010! May you feel love in a big way (enamor)…

In the tv special, Rudolph wasn’t allowed to play in the reindeer games because of his bright, shiny, red nose. It seemed that everywhere he looked, he just didn’t fit in. He and Hermie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, didn’t fit in either and so they head out on their own. In one of their songs, they sing, “Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit … seems I don’t fit in.”

Boy oh boy, have I been in situations like Rudolph and Hermie. At times I felt like I was on the island of misfit toys. I knew I wasn’t a nitwit and neither were those other folks; it just wasn’t a good fit. That’s when I decided to be the leader of me and find/create a tribe that fits me. With a wonderful community of support, I charted my own course. If others want to laugh and tease me, so be it.

Seth Godin, in his book, Tribes, says what Karen & I have been saying all along – that everyone is a leader and we need you to lead – yourself first. I feel very strongly that when you determine what you want, you’ll be in a much better position to help others get what they want, and then you’ll create something extraordinary together as leaders.

Maybe you’ve been excluded from the proverbial “reindeer games,” or felt like you don’t fit in, or have encountered some monsters on your path. If you choose to, you can return back to your brilliant essence, shine brightly, and lead – with noses of all different colors, shapes and sizes. With a community cheering you on and supporting you, there’s no telling what you’ll accomplish – in your business, your organization,  your home, your school … everywhere!

It’s a quote by Jack Kerouac in an Apple Computer ad, 1997.

Here’s to the Crazy Ones

Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes – the
ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.

Cheers to us! Cheers to you! … All the crazy ones who are tired of the status quo!

Andrew has been searching for full-time work for 9 months. He is offered a job with XYZ company, but the pay is much lower than what he wants. After much consideration, Andrew takes the job and it isn’t long before he is making an impact.  After 3 months on the job, the GM is so impressed with Andrew’s ideas for improvement and performance, he offers him a promotion with a bonus.

Contrast Andrew with Brandy. Brandy has been out of work for 10 months. She was offered a full-time job but turned it down because the pay was too low. Brandy said she would “just wait it out.” Brandy is still waiting, and foreclosure is eminent.

Many times people get confused about taking a job that is not exactly what they want. I understand the dilemma. Some situations have a lot of complexity to them, so there is much to consider.

Here’s my take:

1. Talk the situation through with someone … be curious and open. You may not have considered all the options available to you. Getting help means you are strong, not weak.
2. No job comes with a lifetime guarantee or commitment – from either side (employer/employee). If the job doesn’t work out, you can look for something else. Now you’re in an even better position because you’ve likely learned a few things you can put in your “career toolkit.”
3. Every situation carries an element of risk to it. It’s important to weigh your options, but get some help if you have “decision constipation.”  There are numerous tools available to help with your decision
4. Make sure you understand as much as you possibly can about every job offer. What is the potential for advancement? Does the company invest in people development? What is the fiscal health of the company/organization? It pays to do your research.
5. Sometimes people are in a situation where they have to take a job they don’t really want – completely understandable these days. Just remember, there is a big difference between taking a job that pays the bills temporarily and denying your gifts to the world.

Let me know how I can help you. I want to know about your challenges and successes.

A couple of weeks ago my husband, Jeff, and I were trying to coordinate our schedules to take time off to visit his parents at the beach. I was going on a business trip, and my husband wanted to go before my trip. I wanted to go after my trip because I had a lot to do before I left. Also, this trip involved another time zone and a packed schedule. Ah – the impasse!

Ordinarily I might have “compromised” because I didn’t think I could get what I wanted, and because I have been a pleaser and conflict avoider for a long time. But I decided to try not compromising in hopes that we could both get what we want or something better. Impossible you say? Read on…

No Compromising - Keep Working!

Jeff & I took some time to think about and discuss alternative solutions, and we came up with something even better than we imagined. Not compromising gave Jeff: one-on-one time with his parents at the beach, 2 short work weeks instead of 1 (he has had very little vacation time this summer), and time to rest. Not compromising gave me: time before my business trip to get organized, a few days with my niece while Jeff was at the beach, and a beach trip filled with fun and rest after I returned from my business trip. Both of us got a lot more than what we originally wanted.

So, what does compromise entail? Someone wins, someone loses, or both parties lose. It seems that many times we see compromise as the easy way out, but it’s really not. The one who gives in usually feels frustrated, hurt, even powerless. Feeling this way can cause hard feelings for a long time. I believe it is essential to keep working, keep talking, and know that we are smart enough to find a solution that works for both parties.

What causes you to give in, even when you feel strongly about something? Do you truly believe you cannot have what you want? This way of thinking is too focused on “or,” meaning either I get what I want you or you get what you want. Look for the “and,” meaning you get what you want and I get what I want … or something even better than we imagined.

Waterfall near Brevard, NC

This year I decided my vacation would be about renewal, fun, and anything that’s interesting. I have been working hard finishing grad school and launching a new product with my colleague, Karen Tax. I was exhausted and just wanted to get away. Although … I did leave a tiny opening for an opportunity to learn something new. Seriously, I just can’t turn off the learning –it’s who I am.

First, we took a ride in a purple bus with Lazoom Tours (www.lazoomtours.com) in Asheville, North Carolina. Their concept is a rolling comedy tour of Asheville’s favorite neighborhoods and landmarks. I’ve traveled to Asheville many times, being a lifetime resident in North Carolina, and had never heard of them until I saw their high rating on TripAdvisor. These folks reminded me to have fun, and that even though I think I may know it all, there might be more to learn.

Next I met Jim and Bonnie, eating at a wonderful restaurant in Highlands, North Carolina, called Paoletti. It was a Wednesday night and the place was packed, so we ate at the bar. I struck up a conversation with Jim, a retired executive. When I asked Jim how he like retirement he said, “If it’s a hassle, I don’t do it.” That statement stopped me cold. Jim reminded me not only to have fun and my continue learning, but that most times struggling is a choice.

I was really looking for a restroom but wandered into a gift shop in Lake Toxaway. The sales ladies offered my husband a nice comfy chair while I browsed. These women know what they’re doing; however, I have been thinking about consumerism a lot and how much “stuff” I have. I don’t know if it’s the economy or something else, but I am a much better consumer these days. I buy something if I need it, really love it, or it’s a gift for someone. And … the price must be right.

Finally, we ended our week with a sleepover at my in-laws. My mother-in-law told me years ago to travel while you’re young instead of waiting until you get older (and may have to deal with health issues), even if you have to tighten up the belt a little. We have followed that advice and visited some amazing places. As we have explored different cultures, histories, and geographies, we have a better awareness of and appreciate our differences and similarities. We have also learned that it is about “seizing the day.” All we have is today; tomorrow is an illusion.

As I reflect on my vacation intentions of renewal, fun, and interesting stuff, I can definitely say my intentions were realized. When I take a stand for myself in all areas of my life, especially vacation, I am a strong leader. Also, I believe that growth and development don’t just take place in the classroom or by reading books. Growth and development can happen anywhere, if we just look around – even on vacation!

MBWA essentially means managers should get out from behind their desks and talk to their employees and form networks. MBWA is a great idea for increased visibility with your employees and colleagues, but if the interaction is fraught with distrust, disrespect, and even tension, MBWA could do more harm than good. All that walking and wandering could have your company poised to fall right off a cliff if you’re not careful.

Maybe you recognize these sleepy managers (likely not bad or evil people):

• Nate’s employees are scattered all over the country, so he uses web conferencing to communicate with his staff. He frequently boasts to his boss that he talks to his team on a regular basis while the other managers don’t. What Nate doesn’t know is that his staff thinks he’s an idiot. Nate seems to be more concerned about his image and saving his job so he spends most of his time asking his staff to measure everything in the form of beautiful PowerPoint charts created just like his boss likes them. Nate believes pleasing your boss is the best way to keep your job.
• In Arthur’s weekly meetings with his leadership team, only well-scrubbed information is shared – information that describes only what is going right. Once Sharon gave a report on a challenge her department was facing only to be belittled by Arthur and later terminated. Consequently, there is very little dialogue or creative thinking that ever comes out of Arthur’s meetings.
• Amanda leads a team of new managers. She challenged her managers to be more visionary, confident, and creative but has never explained what these terms mean. Amanda gives vague and often contradictory directions to her managers. Amanda’s managers find themselves mostly confused about what she wants, so they try different approaches of which none seem to please Amanda. Amanda is ready to fire them all.
• Cody landed a job at a growing technology company. Soon some guys in her department crossed the line and began pursuing her romantically. After telling the guys she wasn’t interested, Cody asked Bradley, her manager, for help. Bradley told Cody that she should stop being flirty and the guys were just having fun. Cody became so stressed that she took a medical leave of absence. Later all 3 guys were terminated and Bradley was fired.

What would happen if these managers woke up and realized what was going on inside and around them?

• Nate would realize that competing with his peers and focusing his energy on impressing the boss is not a sustainable employment strategy. Nate would earn the respect of his staff as they observed him spending less time protecting his job and more time producing real and lasting results for the clients.
• Arthur would understand that his demeaning behavior was controlling, manipulative, and shutting down the flow of information. Arthur’s team would begin generating innovative ideas that yield record-breaking sales.
• Amanda would clearly articulate her vision and expectations. She would take time early on to develop her managers so that they could in confidently lead their teams in the direction set by Amanda. Amanda’s managers would be celebrated for their high-performing teams that produced consistent high-quality results.
• Bradley would understand the seriousness of this situation, the effect on Cody, and the potential risk to the company and his own career. Cody would be able to work in an environment where she did not feel threatened, and Bradley would be considered a skillful manager in his dealings with difficult employee issues.

Managers and leaders, there is no need to fall over the cliff while you are walking or wandering around. Open your eyes to what is happening inside of you and all around you and recognize many amazing opportunities standing right in front of you.

• When you least expect it, expect it. Our world is filled with chaos (recession, wars, health issues, and so on). It’s good to have goals for our lives, but we can’t predict what the future holds, so we must learn to be agile and not get too attached to our goals. You may have heard the saying, “enjoy the journey.” Today this is evermore true. We need to be sure that we aren’t building systems that keep us complacent. In order to thrive in the midst of chaos, we must use these unexpected shifts to jolt us out of our complacency to regenerate our careers and lives.

• Work IS personal. You may have heard someone say, “It’s not personal. It’s just business.” Phooey! We are human beings, not human doings. When we bring our ALL of ourselves to work, our collective brilliance helps companies grow, evolve, and innovate. It’s up to us to find ways of identifying and communicating our unique strengths and discover how we can create more value for ourselves AND our employers.

• Identify and clarify your value. Each of us has gifts that are needed and wanted; not using our gifts could be doing terrible damage to ourselves and our communities. Storytelling is a way to bring clarity and understanding to how we create value in our work. Everyone has a story and everyone loves stories – it’s been our preferred method of communication for thousands of years. We need to learn how to tell a compelling story in a way that describes more than just our credentials and qualifications. You are much more than a resume. Use your career story to illustrate your character, identity, and personality so that others get a glimpse into who you are as a person and as an employee.

• Old ways don’t work. Stumbling into jobs, not changing with the times, political maneuvering, expecting someone to take care of us – these strategies (or lack thereof), won’t work in present and future economies. The lack of job security, globalization, greater emphasis on corporate social leadership, and rapid technology development forces us to view work in an entirely different context. We have to change. Unfortunately change can be very stressful for many people, and it doesn’t have to be. This new way of working requires us to be visionaries and strategists when it comes to leading our careers.

If you aren’t feeling all that confident about managing your career or haven’t given a lot of thought about your career, I’d love to help.

So I became curious. What does poise mean in the business world? Why do you need it? How do you get more poise?

First of all what is poise? Some definitions of poise: self-confident manner, composure, steadiness, stability, state of balance or equilibrium, grace, refinement, and lastly, a product used for bladder problems. I’ll stay away from the bladder issues for now.

Why do we need poise?

Based on the definitions above, I believe that having poise is essential for any leader (and most of us are leaders in some way). Who wants to follow someone who is unstable, ineffective, or incompetent? Poise isn’t just for people in the public eye, speakers, or executives. We all can use poise in every aspect of our lives as we interact with others. The poise I’m talking about is being your best. You aren’t worried about pleasing everyone or controlling anyone. When you have poise, you stop wrangling with yourself and find ease in any situation.

How do you gain more poise?

Focus on others. How can you serve, educate, validate others? I remember losing my poise one day during a talk. I became very nervous and could not collect my thoughts. The problem is I was focused on me. What did they think of me? Did I sounds competent? Upon reflection, I realized I could have regained my poise by focusing on the audience and what I might offer that would be of help or encouragement to them. When we focus on ourselves, many times we are intensely critical and perfectionistic. Most people really do want you to do well!

Focus on an object, mantra, a word or your breath. Think of something physical, emotional, or spiritual that will help you to stay focused: a rock, a card with a mantra or verse on it, an image on your desk, and so on. Make it real and personal for you – something that is inspiring, affirming, and motivating.

Listen with curiosity and interest. You may have heard the saying, “You have one mouth and two ears, so listen twice as much as you think.” This is hard for some people, but I can assure you that you will have fewer fences to mend if you monitor what you say. You are not required by anyone to give an immediate answer (except perhaps in boot camp). Seek to understand. Test your assumptions.

Put content into “buckets.” You may get into a situation where you are called on to give a quick answer and don’t have a lot of time to rehearse your response. It is important that you respond (not react). Take a breath, focus, and make a list (in your head or on paper) of 3-5 points of what you want to get across. Then speak slowly and clearly and ask questions to ensure the message has been delivered accurately.

Listen to your body. If you get into a tense situation, think about how it feels in your body. When you start to feel that tightening or sickening feeling, pay attention. Then, ask yourself what is really going on. Is there a boundary being crossed? Do you really want to be in this situation? Your body is giving you esssential information about what is important to you.

If you have other ideas for bringing more poise into leadership, I’d love to hear from you.

Happy Monday!

~Diane