Archive for the ‘coaching’ Category

What is compromise? The definition of compromise is “something accepted rather than wanted because what was wanted is unattainable.” Really? What you want is unattainable?

A couple of weeks ago my husband, Jeff, and I were trying to coordinate our schedules to take time off to visit his parents at the beach. I was going on a business trip, and my husband wanted to go before my trip. I wanted to go after my trip because I had a lot to do before I left. Also, this trip involved another time zone and a packed schedule. Ah – the impasse!

Ordinarily I might have “compromised” because I didn’t think I could get what I wanted, and because I have been a pleaser and conflict avoider for a long time. But I decided to try not compromising in hopes that we could both get what we want or something better. Impossible you say? Read on…

No Compromising - Keep Working!

Jeff & I took some time to think about and discuss alternative solutions, and we came up with something even better than we imagined. Not compromising gave Jeff: one-on-one time with his parents at the beach, 2 short work weeks instead of 1 (he has had very little vacation time this summer), and time to rest. Not compromising gave me: time before my business trip to get organized, a few days with my niece while Jeff was at the beach, and a beach trip filled with fun and rest after I returned from my business trip. Both of us got a lot more than what we originally wanted.

So, what does compromise entail? Someone wins, someone loses, or both parties lose. It seems that many times we see compromise as the easy way out, but it’s really not. The one who gives in usually feels frustrated, hurt, even powerless. Feeling this way can cause hard feelings for a long time. I believe it is essential to keep working, keep talking, and know that we are smart enough to find a solution that works for both parties.

What causes you to give in, even when you feel strongly about something? Do you truly believe you cannot have what you want? This way of thinking is too focused on “or,” meaning either I get what I want you or you get what you want. Look for the “and,” meaning you get what you want and I get what I want … or something even better than we imagined.

Waterfall near Brevard, NC

This year I decided my vacation would be about renewal, fun, and anything that’s interesting. I have been working hard finishing grad school and launching a new product with my colleague, Karen Tax. I was exhausted and just wanted to get away. Although … I did leave a tiny opening for an opportunity to learn something new. Seriously, I just can’t turn off the learning –it’s who I am.

First, we took a ride in a purple bus with Lazoom Tours (www.lazoomtours.com) in Asheville, North Carolina. Their concept is a rolling comedy tour of Asheville’s favorite neighborhoods and landmarks. I’ve traveled to Asheville many times, being a lifetime resident in North Carolina, and had never heard of them until I saw their high rating on TripAdvisor. These folks reminded me to have fun, and that even though I think I may know it all, there might be more to learn.

Next I met Jim and Bonnie, eating at a wonderful restaurant in Highlands, North Carolina, called Paoletti. It was a Wednesday night and the place was packed, so we ate at the bar. I struck up a conversation with Jim, a retired executive. When I asked Jim how he like retirement he said, “If it’s a hassle, I don’t do it.” That statement stopped me cold. Jim reminded me not only to have fun and my continue learning, but that most times struggling is a choice.

I was really looking for a restroom but wandered into a gift shop in Lake Toxaway. The sales ladies offered my husband a nice comfy chair while I browsed. These women know what they’re doing; however, I have been thinking about consumerism a lot and how much “stuff” I have. I don’t know if it’s the economy or something else, but I am a much better consumer these days. I buy something if I need it, really love it, or it’s a gift for someone. And … the price must be right.

Finally, we ended our week with a sleepover at my in-laws. My mother-in-law told me years ago to travel while you’re young instead of waiting until you get older (and may have to deal with health issues), even if you have to tighten up the belt a little. We have followed that advice and visited some amazing places. As we have explored different cultures, histories, and geographies, we have a better awareness of and appreciate our differences and similarities. We have also learned that it is about “seizing the day.” All we have is today; tomorrow is an illusion.

As I reflect on my vacation intentions of renewal, fun, and interesting stuff, I can definitely say my intentions were realized. When I take a stand for myself in all areas of my life, especially vacation, I am a strong leader. Also, I believe that growth and development don’t just take place in the classroom or by reading books. Growth and development can happen anywhere, if we just look around – even on vacation!

Last week I was at the NCDA (National Career Development Association) conference in St. Louis. I had such a great experience – it was everything I wanted and more (professional & personal growth, ideas to bring back to my clients, and networking with great people). Several themes emerged for me during this conference, and I would like to share them with you (so I will).

• When you least expect it, expect it. Our world is filled with chaos (recession, wars, health issues, and so on). It’s good to have goals for our lives, but we can’t predict what the future holds, so we must learn to be agile and not get too attached to our goals. You may have heard the saying, “enjoy the journey.” Today this is evermore true. We need to be sure that we aren’t building systems that keep us complacent. In order to thrive in the midst of chaos, we must use these unexpected shifts to jolt us out of our complacency to regenerate our careers and lives.

• Work IS personal. You may have heard someone say, “It’s not personal. It’s just business.” Phooey! We are human beings, not human doings. When we bring our ALL of ourselves to work, our collective brilliance helps companies grow, evolve, and innovate. It’s up to us to find ways of identifying and communicating our unique strengths and discover how we can create more value for ourselves AND our employers.

• Identify and clarify your value. Each of us has gifts that are needed and wanted; not using our gifts could be doing terrible damage to ourselves and our communities. Storytelling is a way to bring clarity and understanding to how we create value in our work. Everyone has a story and everyone loves stories – it’s been our preferred method of communication for thousands of years. We need to learn how to tell a compelling story in a way that describes more than just our credentials and qualifications. You are much more than a resume. Use your career story to illustrate your character, identity, and personality so that others get a glimpse into who you are as a person and as an employee.

• Old ways don’t work. Stumbling into jobs, not changing with the times, political maneuvering, expecting someone to take care of us – these strategies (or lack thereof), won’t work in present and future economies. The lack of job security, globalization, greater emphasis on corporate social leadership, and rapid technology development forces us to view work in an entirely different context. We have to change. Unfortunately change can be very stressful for many people, and it doesn’t have to be. This new way of working requires us to be visionaries and strategists when it comes to leading our careers.

If you aren’t feeling all that confident about managing your career or haven’t given a lot of thought about your career, I’d love to help.