Stress seems to be a big topic these days! I watched a Dr. Oz episode where one of his guests (a doctor) said that 75-90% of doctor visits have some stress-related component & that stress is a major complication of health for all of us.

So, of course I did a Google search and discovered that there are over 6 million global searches a month for the word, “stress.”

I read about good stress, bad stress, chronic stress, work stress, relationship stress, physical stress, stress management, emotional stress, stress relief, acute stress, hyperstress, hypostress, eustress, distress, teenage stress, and even entrepreneur stress. Whew! I’m getting stressed out just writing about stress.

Lots of people & organizations give advice about how to get stress relief; some good & some not so good. The advice I read were mostly temporary fixes; they simply don’t get at the source of what’s driving people’s stress symptoms.  It’s no wonder people are confused, frustrated, give up trying, or resort to drugs.

Here’s an example: Many people suggested that healthy eating is a good solution for reducing stress. Healthy eating is something that is important to me because it supports what I want for my life. Although please understand that very, very occasionally a Krispy Kreme doughnut puts me in a zen-like trance of sheer bliss … and I don’t want to feel bad about it.

Stress relief begins with knowing who you really are

In my personal life and coaching practice, I’ve found that when you get to the real truth of your stress, you can transform it into opportunities for growth & healing … you’ll actually create sustainable stress relief. One of the best ways I know of to get to the truth is to know who you really are, not what other people think of you or how you think you “should be.”

Chinese proverb: Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

Stress relief lies in the expansion of your imagination

Who do you imagine yourself to be … a stressed out, overwhelmed, ugly, stupid, unloved, fat, underappreciated, angry, resentful person? Or do you imagine yourself to be a happy, brilliant, loved, appreciated, valuable, generous person leading your work & life like an entrepreneur leads his/her business?

Your imagination is likely what’s creating or alleviating the stress in your life. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Try using your imagination to get back to the real you, not the stressed out version of you.

A stress relief tool that helps create sustainable strategies

As a coach, it’s important for me to have a wide variety of tools to use with clients. One of my favorite tools is the IAM Essence Map, created by Karen Tax (my first coach, great friend & business partner), as she searched for stress relief in her life. Karen started using the map with her clients & discovered people were getting excellent results.

I have used the IAM Essence Map in my work (and personally) & have found it to be extremely helpful for creating sustainable stress relief. Just like the Chinese proverb above suggests, I use the IAM Essence Map to help my clients shift out of drama (not you) into the essence of who they really are.

For example, I recently used the IAM Essence Map with one of my clients (Sara-not her real name) when she wanted some help with how she handled a situation at work. During a meeting Sara became very angry because she was the only one prepared. After the meeting, she received some negative feedback about the way she handled herself.

So, I introduced the IAM Essence Map to her & we discussed how she could use it as a guide before & throughout her meeting as a kind of compass to ground her in her essential best. What Sara discovered is that when Drama happens (and it usually does), she can use the IAM Essence Map to help her remember who she is at her best & engage others from that space … not Drama.

Sustainable stress relief results from making peace with drama

When you make peace with the drama in your life (not ignoring it or pretending it isn’t there), and relax into your essential best, the results you’ll experience are unlimited: high-performing teams, self-confidence, greater self-awareness, clear communication, healthy relationships, healthy bodies, and so much more.

If you’re interested in learning more about the IAM Essence Map, join as a Free Member in the IAM Learning Community where I am a co-founder with Karen. You can download a copy (and a bunch of other goodies) from our Resources area.

What ideas, suggestions, questions do you have about making peace with stress & finding stress relief that’s sustainable – not just a temporary fix?

Mentor + helpful career advice = Exponential Growth

One of the best ways to become a better version of yourself is to find a mentor. In my career, I’ve been fortunate to be guided by some great people I consider to be mentors. Whether it’s a new career or one you’ve been in awhile, having a mentor will teach you things you may not have ever been exposed to. It’s kind of like, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

Mentor: A wise and trusted counselor; typical role is to advance the person’s career

I’ve been privileged to be guided by some excellent mentors, so I thought I would share with you some of the tips I learned from them. Whew! This is a tall order. I don’t want to leave anyone out, so if you’ve been a mentor to me and I didn’t include you in this list, feel free to remind me of your brilliance.

Mentor tip #1: You have to learn to give feedback if you want career growth. This one came from my former boss, Tim. During one of our feedback sessions, Tim said, “You don’t just avoid feedback; you run from it.” True – I could take feedback all day long, but giving it was another story. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, so I just wouldn’t say anything … of course that kept everyone stuck.

Tim so does not let anything stay under the table, so he started mentoring me on how to provide feedback in a way that felt right to me (kind, caring, respectful … and honest). Tim invited me (haha- made me) to go to a meeting with him and give my feedback ~ during a conflict between 2 team members.

Providing that feedback was one of the toughest things I’ve done in my career, but I did it, and I did a good job. Through Tim’s mentoring, I developed the confidence I needed to have difficult conversations throughout my career, especially when I starting managing people.

Mentor tip #2: Working hard does not a guarantee a successful career path. I can’t remember the guy’s name who said this, but he served as a valuable mentor to me early in my career. My parents told me that the way to success was to get a good education, get a good job & work hard. Done!

Only, here I was working my buns off, frustrated because I wasn’t getting ahead, and someone changed the rules of the game!

This guy wasn’t saying I should slack off; his point was that working hard is only one factor that helps create success. I’m glad I learned that lesson early in my career. It saved me a lot of frustration & directed me towards seeking additional or even alternative ways of creating success.

Mentor tip #3: If you’re in a room with 10 people, you need to talk 10% of the time. In the early 90’s, this advice came to me from my colleague & mentor, Debbie, and it was news to me. Growing up my friends & family loved to hear me talk; I could keep them entertained for hours. Imagine my surprise when Debbie tells me I talk too much.

I’m an extrovert, so that means I’m a verbal processor. Unfortunately verbal processors with limited filters may offend, confuse, frustrate, and drown out others.

So I embarked on a path of being more observant, thinking before speaking, and enhancing my listening skills. Debbie’s advice has served me well on my career path (leading, recruiting, business development, customer service, and in my current role as a coach, consultant, trainer, facilitator … and mentor).

Mentor tip #4: No one is better than you, and you are no better than anyone else. This advice came from my wonderful mentor, Mom! The last part of her advice was easy; the first part is what I struggled with from time to time in my career. Intellectually, I agreed with my Mom – we are all equal. Unfortunately, at times I forgot her mentoring and put people on a pedestal with me far below them.

Here’s what putting people on a pedestal has looked like for me: pleasing too much, over-explaining, giving away my power, seeing myself as a victim, not trusting my instincts, or not speaking up. Mom’s advice is deceptively simple.

Think about how ingrained we are in our society to put celebrities, CEOs, parents, teachers, politicians, doctors and the like on a pedestal. When we see everyone as our peer, we become powerful leaders of ourselves and lives.

Mentor tip #5: Ask for what you want. This advice came from my business partner & trusted friend, Karen Tax. When I was a child my Mom frequently told me my middle name was “I want,” but when I got older, at times I thought I couldn’t get what I want, or I thought asking for what I wanted was selfish, so I compromised.

I began working through what Karen’s mentoring means in my career and life, and something I’ve found very useful is to ask for what I want … along with context & an invitation. This means that when I ask for what I want, I provide some context, background, data that explains (not over explains) what I want. Then after my request, I invite the other person’s perspective & we work together to get what we both want. This strategy has worked brilliantly in creating collaborative & meaningful relationships.

Mentor tip #6: Keep your network active and authentic. This advice came from 2 former colleagues & mentors, Hurt & Jim. When we started working together, our cubicles were side by side, and I noticed something very significant – they both had a large network _and_ their relationships were genuine.

So, I started observing them & asking questions about their philosophies & approaches because networking seemed like a skill I needed to develop. Both of them were very gracious in mentoring me so that I could develop into an effective networker. Now, people tell me all the time what a great networker I am.

There’s always more to learn, but from their mentoring, I really connected with the essence of networking which I see as a blend of giving and receiving. Here’s a quick synopsis of what I learned from these great mentors about networking: a) use a system to ensure no one falls through the cracks – be consistent & disciplined, b) network with people you genuinely like & care about, c) connecting with people is easy – a short email or phone call is typically sufficient, d) people appreciate connecting, and e) asking people for help who barely know you feels like spam – don’t do it.

Mentor tip #7: No one will respect your time more than you. This advice is from my favorite mentor & person in the whole world, my husband – Jeff. At times in my career, I’ve been out of balance. I allow work to consume me … too much on my plate, canceling my plans when I don’t want to, not delegating effectively, or being a perfectionist. In essence, Jeff is talking about boundaries.

How do you manage being committed to a project, client, or team while at the same time take care of yourself? Each situation comes with its own complexities, so I won’t make a trivial suggestion.

I know there are times when you need to invest the time and energy in something important. What puts me in the “danger zone” is when I start feeling frustrated and don’t speak up.

Recently a friend of mine received a text during the weekend from his manager informing him of an impromptu conference call. He was at his child’s event and wanted to be with his family. So he simply texted his manager back what was going on & when he could get on the call (no drama). His manager was fine with it. That’s respecting your time AND finding a win-win for everyone.

♥A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself. ~Oprah ♥

My mentors have challenged me, inspired me, motivated me, helped me set better career goals, become a better leader, build stronger relationships, and easily navigate tricky situations. Mentors are everywhere if we simply look for them.

Have you had a great mentor? Share your mentoring tips or questions below. I’d be honored to hear from you!

I recently read a great blog post from Navi Radjou, Executive Director of the Centre for India & Global Business at the Judge Business School at the University of Cambridge. The post is on the website of  Conscious Capitalism Institute “Why Are Creative Leaders So Rare”? Please click here for the whole post.

Radjou’s blog centers on a talk given by Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, former President of India. Dr. Kalam suggests that corporations and nations need a new breed of leader – the creative leader. So what is a creative leader? Dr. Kalam’s 8 principles for creative leaders are:

1. Vision for the organization
2. Passion to transform vision into action
3. Travel into an unexplored path
4. Know how to manage both success & failure
5. Courage to make decisions
6. Nobility in management
7. Every action should be transparent
8. Work with integrity & succeed with integrity

Radjou describes how he and other audience members are baffled at how few leaders they know who actually embody these attributes. He targets CEOs of Fortune 500 firms, financial institutions, and politicians who are stark reminders of leaders lacking integrity. He dreams that business schools will begin cultivating leaders with a moral compass filled with integrity. I couldn’t agree more. My experience and observation is that 1-5 is somewhat the norm, but the going gets tough at 6, 7, and then 8.

What is it going to take for this to happen? How can  our small voices effect such radical change from what we have now? Below are some ideas I’m kicking around:

1. You first. Take a look at the 8 tenets and see where you’re succeeding and where you need work. Be the leader of you!
2. If your leader is not a “creative leader,”  encourage, inspire, challenge, coach him/her to make the change. Leadership can start anywhere.
3. Start your own business and stop participating in something you don’t agree with.
4. Look around & identify people who are “creative leaders” and join them. Help them grow so they become the standard for success.
5. Stop blaming “the man.” You step up! Even something significant as standing up for the right thing is needed.
6. Pull together a group of like-minded people and brainstorm ways you can make a difference.
7. Students: Insist that your curriculum include training that centers on conscious capitalism.
8. If you are a leader who has been part of the problem, be a part of the solution. It’s never too late to change. In fact, if you don’t change, you won’t make it. There are too many people who are tired of the status quo. It’s going to get a lot harder for you to be successful.
9. Creative Leaders that we don’t know about – we need to know you. We need to hear from you. We are counting on you to demonstrate that success and integrity do go hand in hand.

I’d love to hear from you about how you are being a creative leader, what other ideas you have to help folks take a stand for creative leadership, what challenges you have for this model, and anything else you care to share.

U.S. Vice Admiral James Bond Stockdale

I cleaned out my office today & ran across an index card with the Stockdale Paradox on it. In case you’re not familiar with the Stockdale Paradox, Jim Collins describes it in his book, “Good to Great” as:

“Retain the faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties AND confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”

I highly recommend reading about Jim Stockdale in this wiki to learn more about his experience as a Vietnam POW & how he was able to survive when many others didn’t: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Stockdale.

Surviving a POW camp is in no way comparable to conducting a job search or developing your career, but there are important lessons we can learn from Jim Stockdale’s experience.

Got Faith?

Stockdale said he never doubted he would prevail and turn this horrific experience into a defining event in his life. He never lost faith.

I think about a time when I was in a job that felt like a prison to me. I felt victimized, like I had no choices. But that wasn’t true. I did have choices. I hired a coach and started working on a plan to not just get me out of there but to really envision a future for myself. I read somewhere that faith is passionate trust. I trusted myself to know what I really wanted, and I trusted God to show me the way.

The Brutal Facts

Stockdale says we must have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of our current reality. There are two important points here – defining reality and discipline.

What is reality? I heard someone say, “If the dream is big enough, the facts don’t count.” Well, just like Stockdale, I believe the facts DO count.

There are certain facts about you that should be a factor in your career development. This is the brutal reality of YOU – the brilliant you, and it’s important that you know what it is and can sufficiently describe it to others.

And then there’s the other side of reality such as the people who show up on American Idol who can’t carry a tune and can’t understand why they aren’t chosen. Or the person who doesn’t want to learn anything new and thinks they can coast to retirement. Or the person who knows their performance has been lagging but thinks people won’t notice. This is our blind spot, and it is essential to make that spot as small as possible.

After you have a good idea of your reality, it’s time for discipline. Discipline might conjure up some images as being grounded or a drill sergeant commanding you to take 100 pushups in the freezing rain, but consider another definition of discipline: “self-control, training for improvement, and a systematic method.”  It seems to me that discipline is at the heart of leadership, so when it comes to determining our careers, it is essential to have a system in place to help us reach our dreams (strategies, intentions, goals). I hired a coach, increased my knowledge, and put a system in place to be more accountable so that I could expand my choices.

So, CAN be anything you want?  Maybe! Use these tips to guide you in deciding what you really, really want:

• Take a look at the brutal reality of you. Who are you, and what are your strengths (skills, knowledge, abilities)? What is important to you? What would make you want to go work every day full of energy and passion?
• Have the discipline to do what it takes to get you what you want. Invest in yourself by hiring a coach, going back to school, updating your resume, networking, etc. Stop doing those things that are getting in the way of what you want.
• Have faith that you will prevail despite difficult circumstances.
• Allow yourself to be surprised. Don’t wrap up your life so tightly that you miss some amazing detours off your path.

Do you have something else to add to this discussion? If so, I’d love to hear from you!

Happy 2010! Last year was a year of laying the foundation for our movement of transforming work and life so everyone can be their best. I learned a lot about myself last year and this year promises to stretch me even further. I’m super excited about that!

I have been wondering about you and your intentions for 2010, specifically how you’ll anchor in more deeply to being your best. Last year a client told me she had selected a word of the year to guide her throughout the year. She got the idea from Christine Kane (www.christinekane.com). Today I read a blog by Chris Brogan who chooses 3 words each year. Read his blog here: http://www.chrisbrogan.com/my-3-words-for-2010/#comment-27738450.

Last year my word was recriprocal, and it served me very well. When I began thinking about my word for 2010, I decided to let go of trying to figure it out and just trust God for my word. The strangest thing happened. I had a dream and the word, enamor, came to me in my sleep – someone said this is your gift – enamor. I can’t remember the details, but when I woke up, the word was firmly in my mind.

Now, mind you, I have vivid, sometimes strange dreams, and I have never had a dream where a word was given to me. And, as I get older, I find that my memory fails me when I try to remember certain words, but I easily recall this word throughout the day.  Also, not surprisingly, enamor is not part of my normal conversations. 

So, although I don’t know if I will add more words to my word of the year, I am definitely keeping enamor. I look forward to playing with my word of the year, peeling it back like an onion, to help me be my best and help others do the same.

What do you think about choosing a word or words for 2010? Take a look at Christine’s video on her blog and/or read Chris Brogan’s blog post and see if choosing a word(s) is something you might want to participate in this year. And be sure to let me know. I’m planning to write about my word at least monthly if not more often throughout the year. I’d love to support you in your word choice.

Many blessings to you and those you love in 2010! May you feel love in a big way (enamor)…

A couple of weeks ago my husband, Jeff, and I were trying to coordinate our schedules to take time off to visit his parents at the beach. I was going on a business trip, and my husband wanted to go before my trip. I wanted to go after my trip because I had a lot to do before I left. Also, this trip involved another time zone and a packed schedule. Ah – the impasse!

Ordinarily I might have “compromised” because I didn’t think I could get what I wanted, and because I have been a pleaser and conflict avoider for a long time. But I decided to try not compromising in hopes that we could both get what we want or something better. Impossible you say? Read on…

No Compromising - Keep Working!

Jeff & I took some time to think about and discuss alternative solutions, and we came up with something even better than we imagined. Not compromising gave Jeff: one-on-one time with his parents at the beach, 2 short work weeks instead of 1 (he has had very little vacation time this summer), and time to rest. Not compromising gave me: time before my business trip to get organized, a few days with my niece while Jeff was at the beach, and a beach trip filled with fun and rest after I returned from my business trip. Both of us got a lot more than what we originally wanted.

So, what does compromise entail? Someone wins, someone loses, or both parties lose. It seems that many times we see compromise as the easy way out, but it’s really not. The one who gives in usually feels frustrated, hurt, even powerless. Feeling this way can cause hard feelings for a long time. I believe it is essential to keep working, keep talking, and know that we are smart enough to find a solution that works for both parties.

What causes you to give in, even when you feel strongly about something? Do you truly believe you cannot have what you want? This way of thinking is too focused on “or,” meaning either I get what I want you or you get what you want. Look for the “and,” meaning you get what you want and I get what I want … or something even better than we imagined.

Waterfall near Brevard, NC

This year I decided my vacation would be about renewal, fun, and anything that’s interesting. I have been working hard finishing grad school and launching a new product with my colleague, Karen Tax. I was exhausted and just wanted to get away. Although … I did leave a tiny opening for an opportunity to learn something new. Seriously, I just can’t turn off the learning –it’s who I am.

First, we took a ride in a purple bus with Lazoom Tours (www.lazoomtours.com) in Asheville, North Carolina. Their concept is a rolling comedy tour of Asheville’s favorite neighborhoods and landmarks. I’ve traveled to Asheville many times, being a lifetime resident in North Carolina, and had never heard of them until I saw their high rating on TripAdvisor. These folks reminded me to have fun, and that even though I think I may know it all, there might be more to learn.

Next I met Jim and Bonnie, eating at a wonderful restaurant in Highlands, North Carolina, called Paoletti. It was a Wednesday night and the place was packed, so we ate at the bar. I struck up a conversation with Jim, a retired executive. When I asked Jim how he like retirement he said, “If it’s a hassle, I don’t do it.” That statement stopped me cold. Jim reminded me not only to have fun and my continue learning, but that most times struggling is a choice.

I was really looking for a restroom but wandered into a gift shop in Lake Toxaway. The sales ladies offered my husband a nice comfy chair while I browsed. These women know what they’re doing; however, I have been thinking about consumerism a lot and how much “stuff” I have. I don’t know if it’s the economy or something else, but I am a much better consumer these days. I buy something if I need it, really love it, or it’s a gift for someone. And … the price must be right.

Finally, we ended our week with a sleepover at my in-laws. My mother-in-law told me years ago to travel while you’re young instead of waiting until you get older (and may have to deal with health issues), even if you have to tighten up the belt a little. We have followed that advice and visited some amazing places. As we have explored different cultures, histories, and geographies, we have a better awareness of and appreciate our differences and similarities. We have also learned that it is about “seizing the day.” All we have is today; tomorrow is an illusion.

As I reflect on my vacation intentions of renewal, fun, and interesting stuff, I can definitely say my intentions were realized. When I take a stand for myself in all areas of my life, especially vacation, I am a strong leader. Also, I believe that growth and development don’t just take place in the classroom or by reading books. Growth and development can happen anywhere, if we just look around – even on vacation!

• When you least expect it, expect it. Our world is filled with chaos (recession, wars, health issues, and so on). It’s good to have goals for our lives, but we can’t predict what the future holds, so we must learn to be agile and not get too attached to our goals. You may have heard the saying, “enjoy the journey.” Today this is evermore true. We need to be sure that we aren’t building systems that keep us complacent. In order to thrive in the midst of chaos, we must use these unexpected shifts to jolt us out of our complacency to regenerate our careers and lives.

• Work IS personal. You may have heard someone say, “It’s not personal. It’s just business.” Phooey! We are human beings, not human doings. When we bring our ALL of ourselves to work, our collective brilliance helps companies grow, evolve, and innovate. It’s up to us to find ways of identifying and communicating our unique strengths and discover how we can create more value for ourselves AND our employers.

• Identify and clarify your value. Each of us has gifts that are needed and wanted; not using our gifts could be doing terrible damage to ourselves and our communities. Storytelling is a way to bring clarity and understanding to how we create value in our work. Everyone has a story and everyone loves stories – it’s been our preferred method of communication for thousands of years. We need to learn how to tell a compelling story in a way that describes more than just our credentials and qualifications. You are much more than a resume. Use your career story to illustrate your character, identity, and personality so that others get a glimpse into who you are as a person and as an employee.

• Old ways don’t work. Stumbling into jobs, not changing with the times, political maneuvering, expecting someone to take care of us – these strategies (or lack thereof), won’t work in present and future economies. The lack of job security, globalization, greater emphasis on corporate social leadership, and rapid technology development forces us to view work in an entirely different context. We have to change. Unfortunately change can be very stressful for many people, and it doesn’t have to be. This new way of working requires us to be visionaries and strategists when it comes to leading our careers.

If you aren’t feeling all that confident about managing your career or haven’t given a lot of thought about your career, I’d love to help.

So I became curious. What does poise mean in the business world? Why do you need it? How do you get more poise?

First of all what is poise? Some definitions of poise: self-confident manner, composure, steadiness, stability, state of balance or equilibrium, grace, refinement, and lastly, a product used for bladder problems. I’ll stay away from the bladder issues for now.

Why do we need poise?

Based on the definitions above, I believe that having poise is essential for any leader (and most of us are leaders in some way). Who wants to follow someone who is unstable, ineffective, or incompetent? Poise isn’t just for people in the public eye, speakers, or executives. We all can use poise in every aspect of our lives as we interact with others. The poise I’m talking about is being your best. You aren’t worried about pleasing everyone or controlling anyone. When you have poise, you stop wrangling with yourself and find ease in any situation.

How do you gain more poise?

Focus on others. How can you serve, educate, validate others? I remember losing my poise one day during a talk. I became very nervous and could not collect my thoughts. The problem is I was focused on me. What did they think of me? Did I sounds competent? Upon reflection, I realized I could have regained my poise by focusing on the audience and what I might offer that would be of help or encouragement to them. When we focus on ourselves, many times we are intensely critical and perfectionistic. Most people really do want you to do well!

Focus on an object, mantra, a word or your breath. Think of something physical, emotional, or spiritual that will help you to stay focused: a rock, a card with a mantra or verse on it, an image on your desk, and so on. Make it real and personal for you – something that is inspiring, affirming, and motivating.

Listen with curiosity and interest. You may have heard the saying, “You have one mouth and two ears, so listen twice as much as you think.” This is hard for some people, but I can assure you that you will have fewer fences to mend if you monitor what you say. You are not required by anyone to give an immediate answer (except perhaps in boot camp). Seek to understand. Test your assumptions.

Put content into “buckets.” You may get into a situation where you are called on to give a quick answer and don’t have a lot of time to rehearse your response. It is important that you respond (not react). Take a breath, focus, and make a list (in your head or on paper) of 3-5 points of what you want to get across. Then speak slowly and clearly and ask questions to ensure the message has been delivered accurately.

Listen to your body. If you get into a tense situation, think about how it feels in your body. When you start to feel that tightening or sickening feeling, pay attention. Then, ask yourself what is really going on. Is there a boundary being crossed? Do you really want to be in this situation? Your body is giving you esssential information about what is important to you.

If you have other ideas for bringing more poise into leadership, I’d love to hear from you.

Happy Monday!

~Diane