Archive for the ‘coaching’ Category

Finding stress relief can be a little tricky

Stress seems to be a big topic these days! I watched a Dr. Oz episode where one of his guests (a doctor) said that 75-90% of doctor visits have some stress-related component & that stress is a major complication of health for all of us.

So, of course I did a Google search and discovered that there are over 6 million global searches a month for the word, “stress.”

I read about good stress, bad stress, chronic stress, work stress, relationship stress, physical stress, stress management, emotional stress, stress relief, acute stress, hyperstress, hypostress, eustress, distress, teenage stress, and even entrepreneur stress. Whew! I’m getting stressed out just writing about stress.

Lots of people & organizations give advice about how to get stress relief; some good & some not so good. The advice I read were mostly temporary fixes; they simply don’t get at the source of what’s driving people’s stress symptoms.  It’s no wonder people are confused, frustrated, give up trying, or resort to drugs.

Here’s an example: Many people suggested that healthy eating is a good solution for reducing stress. Healthy eating is something that is important to me because it supports what I want for my life. Although please understand that very, very occasionally a Krispy Kreme doughnut puts me in a zen-like trance of sheer bliss … and I don’t want to feel bad about it.

Stress relief begins with knowing who you really are

In my personal life and coaching practice, I’ve found that when you get to the real truth of your stress, you can transform it into opportunities for growth & healing … you’ll actually create sustainable stress relief. One of the best ways I know of to get to the truth is to know who you really are, not what other people think of you or how you think you “should be.”

Chinese proverb: Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

Stress relief lies in the expansion of your imagination

Who do you imagine yourself to be … a stressed out, overwhelmed, ugly, stupid, unloved, fat, underappreciated, angry, resentful person? Or do you imagine yourself to be a happy, brilliant, loved, appreciated, valuable, generous person leading your work & life like an entrepreneur leads his/her business?

Your imagination is likely what’s creating or alleviating the stress in your life. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Try using your imagination to get back to the real you, not the stressed out version of you.

A stress relief tool that helps create sustainable strategies

As a coach, it’s important for me to have a wide variety of tools to use with clients. One of my favorite tools is the IAM Essence Map, created by Karen Tax (my first coach, great friend & business partner), as she searched for stress relief in her life. Karen started using the map with her clients & discovered people were getting excellent results.

I have used the IAM Essence Map in my work (and personally) & have found it to be extremely helpful for creating sustainable stress relief. Just like the Chinese proverb above suggests, I use the IAM Essence Map to help my clients shift out of drama (not you) into the essence of who they really are.

For example, I recently used the IAM Essence Map with one of my clients (Sara-not her real name) when she wanted some help with how she handled a situation at work. During a meeting Sara became very angry because she was the only one prepared. After the meeting, she received some negative feedback about the way she handled herself.

So, I introduced the IAM Essence Map to her & we discussed how she could use it as a guide before & throughout her meeting as a kind of compass to ground her in her essential best. What Sara discovered is that when Drama happens (and it usually does), she can use the IAM Essence Map to help her remember who she is at her best & engage others from that space … not Drama.

Sustainable stress relief results from making peace with drama

When you make peace with the drama in your life (not ignoring it or pretending it isn’t there), and relax into your essential best, the results you’ll experience are unlimited: high-performing teams, self-confidence, greater self-awareness, clear communication, healthy relationships, healthy bodies, and so much more.

If you’re interested in learning more about the IAM Essence Map, join as a Free Member in the IAM Learning Community where I am a co-founder with Karen. You can download a copy (and a bunch of other goodies) from our Resources area.

What ideas, suggestions, questions do you have about making peace with stress & finding stress relief that’s sustainable – not just a temporary fix?

Having a great mentor is like having a big sign pointing the way to being a better version of yourself

Mentor + helpful career advice = Exponential Growth

One of the best ways to become a better version of yourself is to find a mentor. In my career, I’ve been fortunate to be guided by some great people I consider to be mentors. Whether it’s a new career or one you’ve been in awhile, having a mentor will teach you things you may not have ever been exposed to. It’s kind of like, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

Mentor: A wise and trusted counselor; typical role is to advance the person’s career

I’ve been privileged to be guided by some excellent mentors, so I thought I would share with you some of the tips I learned from them. Whew! This is a tall order. I don’t want to leave anyone out, so if you’ve been a mentor to me and I didn’t include you in this list, feel free to remind me of your brilliance.

Mentor tip #1: You have to learn to give feedback if you want career growth. This one came from my former boss, Tim. During one of our feedback sessions, Tim said, “You don’t just avoid feedback; you run from it.” True – I could take feedback all day long, but giving it was another story. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, so I just wouldn’t say anything … of course that kept everyone stuck.

Tim so does not let anything stay under the table, so he started mentoring me on how to provide feedback in a way that felt right to me (kind, caring, respectful … and honest). Tim invited me (haha- made me) to go to a meeting with him and give my feedback ~ during a conflict between 2 team members.

Providing that feedback was one of the toughest things I’ve done in my career, but I did it, and I did a good job. Through Tim’s mentoring, I developed the confidence I needed to have difficult conversations throughout my career, especially when I starting managing people.

Mentor tip #2: Working hard does not a guarantee a successful career path. I can’t remember the guy’s name who said this, but he served as a valuable mentor to me early in my career. My parents told me that the way to success was to get a good education, get a good job & work hard. Done!

Only, here I was working my buns off, frustrated because I wasn’t getting ahead, and someone changed the rules of the game!

This guy wasn’t saying I should slack off; his point was that working hard is only one factor that helps create success. I’m glad I learned that lesson early in my career. It saved me a lot of frustration & directed me towards seeking additional or even alternative ways of creating success.

Mentor tip #3: If you’re in a room with 10 people, you need to talk 10% of the time. In the early 90’s, this advice came to me from my colleague & mentor, Debbie, and it was news to me. Growing up my friends & family loved to hear me talk; I could keep them entertained for hours. Imagine my surprise when Debbie tells me I talk too much.

I’m an extrovert, so that means I’m a verbal processor. Unfortunately verbal processors with limited filters may offend, confuse, frustrate, and drown out others.

So I embarked on a path of being more observant, thinking before speaking, and enhancing my listening skills. Debbie’s advice has served me well on my career path (leading, recruiting, business development, customer service, and in my current role as a coach, consultant, trainer, facilitator … and mentor).

Mentor tip #4: No one is better than you, and you are no better than anyone else. This advice came from my wonderful mentor, Mom! The last part of her advice was easy; the first part is what I struggled with from time to time in my career. Intellectually, I agreed with my Mom – we are all equal. Unfortunately, at times I forgot her mentoring and put people on a pedestal with me far below them.

Here’s what putting people on a pedestal has looked like for me: pleasing too much, over-explaining, giving away my power, seeing myself as a victim, not trusting my instincts, or not speaking up. Mom’s advice is deceptively simple.

Think about how ingrained we are in our society to put celebrities, CEOs, parents, teachers, politicians, doctors and the like on a pedestal. When we see everyone as our peer, we become powerful leaders of ourselves and lives.

Mentor tip #5: Ask for what you want. This advice came from my business partner & trusted friend, Karen Tax. When I was a child my Mom frequently told me my middle name was “I want,” but when I got older, at times I thought I couldn’t get what I want, or I thought asking for what I wanted was selfish, so I compromised.

I began working through what Karen’s mentoring means in my career and life, and something I’ve found very useful is to ask for what I want … along with context & an invitation. This means that when I ask for what I want, I provide some context, background, data that explains (not over explains) what I want. Then after my request, I invite the other person’s perspective & we work together to get what we both want. This strategy has worked brilliantly in creating collaborative & meaningful relationships.

Mentor tip #6: Keep your network active and authentic. This advice came from 2 former colleagues & mentors, Hurt & Jim. When we started working together, our cubicles were side by side, and I noticed something very significant – they both had a large network _and_ their relationships were genuine.

So, I started observing them & asking questions about their philosophies & approaches because networking seemed like a skill I needed to develop. Both of them were very gracious in mentoring me so that I could develop into an effective networker. Now, people tell me all the time what a great networker I am.

There’s always more to learn, but from their mentoring, I really connected with the essence of networking which I see as a blend of giving and receiving. Here’s a quick synopsis of what I learned from these great mentors about networking: a) use a system to ensure no one falls through the cracks – be consistent & disciplined, b) network with people you genuinely like & care about, c) connecting with people is easy – a short email or phone call is typically sufficient, d) people appreciate connecting, and e) asking people for help who barely know you feels like spam – don’t do it.

Mentor tip #7: No one will respect your time more than you. This advice is from my favorite mentor & person in the whole world, my husband – Jeff. At times in my career, I’ve been out of balance. I allow work to consume me … too much on my plate, canceling my plans when I don’t want to, not delegating effectively, or being a perfectionist. In essence, Jeff is talking about boundaries.

How do you manage being committed to a project, client, or team while at the same time take care of yourself? Each situation comes with its own complexities, so I won’t make a trivial suggestion.

I know there are times when you need to invest the time and energy in something important. What puts me in the “danger zone” is when I start feeling frustrated and don’t speak up.

Recently a friend of mine received a text during the weekend from his manager informing him of an impromptu conference call. He was at his child’s event and wanted to be with his family. So he simply texted his manager back what was going on & when he could get on the call (no drama). His manager was fine with it. That’s respecting your time AND finding a win-win for everyone.

♥A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself. ~Oprah ♥

My mentors have challenged me, inspired me, motivated me, helped me set better career goals, become a better leader, build stronger relationships, and easily navigate tricky situations. Mentors are everywhere if we simply look for them.

Have you had a great mentor? Share your mentoring tips or questions below. I’d be honored to hear from you!